The Best Invention – 1

This essay was submitted by Miss 13 recently. It’s an example of a typical written piece of work from a student who thinks in Chinese and translates her thoughts to English on paper.

 

The Best Invention

1st attempt

I think the best invention in the world is the electric light bulb. It was invented by a famous scientist named Thomas Alva Edison. He was born 1847 in Milan.  Mr Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb before he finally succeeded in 1878.  Without his awesome invention, our life will not be as comfortable as it now is.

If we do not have bulb during night, our activities at night will not be done comfortable and easily. This was because we can’t see very clearly at night.  If we had bulb, our life at night will not be dark and it bring a lot of convenient to us while doing night activities.

Light is very important to us. If we don’t have light, our life became dark so I think that the best invention in the world is bulb.

We must be thankful because of the invention of bulb and use the bulb properly.

 

Feedback

The essay went downhill after the 1st paragraph.  The 3rd paragraph is a repetition of the 2nd and there are numerous grammatical mistakes.  The sentence structure is poor and the essay fails to catch the reader’s interest.

 

2nd attempt

Photo courtesy of johnsonmatel.com

 

I think the best invention in the world is the electric light bulb. It was invented by a famous scientist named Thomas Alva Edison.  He was born 1847 in Milan.  Mr. Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb before he finally succeeded in 1878.  Without his awesome invention, our lives will not be as comfortable.

 

As a student, I like to do my homework in the evenings.  If there is no electric light bulb, I cannot do my revision well and my eyesight will eventually suffer should I be compelled to use candlelight for studying at night.

 

Photo courtesy of hotelsalcedodevigan.com

 

Dining in candlelight may be romantic, but it would make me feel sleepy.  Moreover, candles could catch fire easily if knocked over.  Now that won’t be romantic at all, will it?

 

Photo courtesy of westberks.gov.uk

 

Streetlights also help motorists to drive safely on the road.  Driving in the dark will cause accidents and help will not arrive until the following day.  By then, victims might have perished due to bleeding.  With Mr. Edison’s creation, pilots can also fly without crashing into another aircraft at night and effect safe landing at airports.

I really cannot imagine a life without the convenience of the electric light bulb, can you?

 

Feedback

After a few verbal tips, Miss 13 was able to provide a strong foundation for the essay to build from.  She managed to add her own writing voice to the essay, making the reading experience more enjoyable.  Way to go, Miss 13!

 

Another way of writing it

There are so many great inventions in the world that have brought much benefit to mankind.  For me, the electric light bulb wins the day.  Before its miraculous creation by Thomas Edison in 1878, gas was the best source of lighting. It was an inconvenient, dirty, unhealthy, uncomfortable and dangerous source of light.

As a student, I always like to do my homework at night. Without Mr Edison’s awesome invention, I would be doing homework and studying for exams by candlelight or kerosene lamps.  That gives “burning the  midnight oil” a literal meaning and it is a horrifying thought!

Bright streetlights help motorists to drive safely on the roads at night. Accidents usually occur on unlit sections of the roadways especially if they are bumpy or filled with potholes.  Without the creation of the electric light bulb, headlights would probably be non-existent.  Driving at night would be difficult and dangerous as a result.

Without the electric light bulb, Air Asia’s CEO, Tan Sri Dr. Tony Fernandes’ dream of “Now everybody can fly!” will be greatly restricted to daylight hours.  No pilot could possibly master the feats of flying and landing an aircraft in complete darkness!

Retail services will make less profit as consumers will have difficulties shopping if the lighting is dim.  Can you envision groping in the dark for some items in a supermarket?  Perhaps the scenario wouldn’t be that drastic.  Nonetheless, I shudder at the notion of shopping in the candlelight.  Dining by candlelight may be romantic, but I am not sure I could stomach 365 romantic candle-lit dinners in a year.

Tourists from all over the world flock to Singapore to enjoy the annual “Christmas Light-up at Orchard Road”.  Each year without fail, the decorative lights magically transform Orchard Road into a garden of dazzling lights.  Colourful “Streets of flowers” glow brightly and hold visitors spellbound, immersing them in a wonderland of sheer beauty.  Glittering Christmas lights certainly help to set the tone for the holiday season and get people into a festive mood.

The invention of the electric light bulb in 1878 had literally shed light on the world.  Mr Edison had gifted the world with “the light!”

 

 

I came across a website, Gas Lighting in Victorian times while looking up on information about the pros and cons of gas lighting which was the main source of lighting in the 18th and 19th centuries.

 

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About Katherine

Just a female who has time to do a bit of pondering and musing. Otherwise, I am on an interesting journey down the path to being a senior citizen.
This entry was posted in All Categories, Correcting and Improving, Writing - Secondary School and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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